i haven’t written in awhile, a couple of days at least. i’ve been spending all of my time with a boy from my past. a boy whom i dated 7 years ago, and i find myself dating again…unfortunately for him, i’m just not that into him.
why then, would i say “yes” to a boy i didn’t have romantic feelings for when he asked me to be his girlfriend?
my ex-future husband is coming home from afghanistan next month. less than four weeks. i was completely stoked, ready to start a life with him and his daughter. i find out through facebook that he started dating a girl that he has never even met before. after he told me we were going to get married. i’ve had the thought of marriage in my head for quite some time now and he ruined it for me.
i’m not the best at being single. i’m extremely co-dependent. so when this boy came back into my life, i accepted his offer immediately. bad decision. i realized today that i’m really, REALLY not into him. now, is it because of afghanistan guy? or is it because of what happened two weeks ago…
so two weeks-ish ago i went out to a bar with a male friend. we went through four pitchers of beer (so he says). he told me the morning after on the phone that i was so shitfaced he had to carry me into my house and put me to bed. but that’s not where the night ends. he had sex with me. i had no intentions of sleeping with that man that night, or ever for that matter. he’s been a big-brother type for the past two years. AND, i was ON MY PERIOD. eww. fucking gross. so waking up to a sore vagina isn’t exactly the best news in the world. when i called him and confronted him he told me everything that happened.
i was raped five years ago…. and then two weeks ago this guy who i thought i could trust with my life takes advantage of me, and i feel like shit.
now this puts me in quite the situation. i want to be intimate with this old/new boy from my past, but i can’t bring myself to even kiss him. we went into his hot tub today, in bathing suits, and i had a panic attack from being almost nude in front of him. when i showered later, i kept freaking out because i thought he would come in the bathroom and see me naked. i’m so ashamed.
now this old/new boy and i have a lot of history. breaking up with him could be detrimental to our future friendship, but i can’t continue living a lie. or is it a lie? am i dating him to spite afghanistan guy? or am i trying to break up with him because of my recent brush with rape?
i can’t look him in the eyes. i feel fucking ashamed. what do i do? my dad thinks i should break up with him tomorrow, but my dad doesn’t know the whole story. my ma thinks i need to do whatever it takes to stay friends with old/new boy because of our history, but knowing him breaking up with him would break his heart.
why am i so desperate to find happiness, when it is literally right beside me?
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